Relecting
by KozueNoSaru
Summary: An old man ponders about what he should have done in the past, and comes to terms with some truths about himself. Obviously, Captain ShuggazoomXAlchemist


**Disclaimer:**

We three bodies of the fanfiction powers KoDraCan (KozueNoSaru, Candid Monkey and Drama-Queen) do NOT own, distribute, produce or profit from SRMTHFG. We never had, we never will. Disney and Ciro Neili own this franchise. The writing within this story is merely entertainment, and _should not_ be taken as any sort of actual plot within the storyline.

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**Warning:**

This story contains the following:

Slash (MxM)

First person Point of View

Coarse language.

If you do not like any of the above, (which WILL come later in the fic), then we kindly ask for you to get the hell off the story page. By reading this story, you understand that you can't flame, sue or troll.

You were warned.

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**Authoress Note: Ever since I focused my fanfiction writing on the Alchemist/Captian Shuggazoom dynamic, I wanted to my own version of Captain Shuggazoom's thoughts about his 'friend'. I wasn't sure if first person view was a good idea, but I gave it a try. I only hope it's not TOO cliqued.  
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Let me get some things clear before I start rambling. I never considered myself a homosexual. God knows I've slept with my share fair of women and I knew I didn't give a damn about most of them. There were a few girls I thought I was in love with, but it wasn't meant to be in the end.

Now, for an old man's confession:

When I met you, you almost immediately mad me question who I was. Granted we didn't hit it off right away, but I couldn't stop thinking about how weird you were. When we became a team to help defend Shuggazoom, I was actually happy that you were on my side. You were scary when you were angry and you saved my life with your brilliant mind and weirdness. After you saved my ass so many times, I started to trust you wholly. I accepted you for the weird man you were. I became a second parent to the monkey babies and I loved every minute I could spare being with them—and you. I started looking back on how empty my life was outside of being Captain Shuggazoom. I could rattle off about how meaningless my life would have been without you, but I know you don't want to hear that.

Then those damn talks started…

We talked about our pasts, our fears, our dreams. I never told anyone what I told you those years. You opened up to me—without being a cryptic bastard like you always was—and you were…well, ALIVE. Your eyes lit up when we talked, you smiled, and you even laughed. That's how we became best friends.

Then something happened…as always, it talks were much longer, I started crashing in that spare room more, and I even started looking at you a little differently. You weren't the weird man I met when I was younger, you were my best friend…and even though I wanted to deny it, I was falling for you. I secretly hoped you were falling for me too. Hell, even the monkey babies figured it out.

I found you in your living room one night, upset and teetering over for the lack of sleep from those damn projects of yours. I asked you what was wrong and you tried to go back to your work. I had to grab you and force you to stand still. You looked at me with those eyes of yours…and you fell into my arms, sobbing. You were so relieved to see me. I must have held you for awhile before you went to sleep. After I cooked breakfast the next morning, you told me the reason you were upset was you were trying to forget about something you dreamed about.

"What was it about?"

"I can't tell you…"

"…It's about me, isn't it?"

"…Yes. I...I dreamed that I….I lost you. I…I don't want to lose you, Clayton. You mean so much more to me than a friend and ally," I looked at you as you bore your soul to me, "All this time we talked at length with one another, the times we cared for each other and the monkeys…I grew afraid I grew afraid because I realize that I've fallen in love with you."

Tears filled your eyes as you finished, "I don't care if it's wrong to harbor romantic feelings for another man…but I do love you. I…I understand if you wish to terminate our alliance."

Terminate our alliance? How could I do that?! Years ago, I wanted nothing to do with you and now, looking into your eyes, I couldn't live my life without you! I had a choice, and I chose to grab you and kiss you right there in the dining room. You didn't resist, thought you were shocked as hell. After I broke the kiss off, you were speechless. I was too, but considering I was kissing you pretty hard, I was out of breath.

Then you asked me, "What are we to each other?"

"I guess were boyfriends now, Aki."

"It sounds a little juvenile to call one another 'boyfriends'."

"Then I guess we'll just call each other like we normally do…it's not as if we're any different. We're still the same people we were before."

You smiled and wrapped your arms around me in a hug. From then on, when I wasn't dating women, or running the company, or protecting the city, I was with you, except in addition to talking, we were being affectionate with each other. We kissed, we hugged, and we even roughhoused a bit. Eventually, it went further than hugs, kisses and playful shoves. The day it did, we were goofing off as the monkeys were napping and we fell, you on top of me. You looked at me with bedroom eyes and yes, I looked at you the same way. I don't remember how we got to your bedroom so fast, but that day, I saw another side to you that I didn't think you had in you. You made it comfortable, enjoyable for the both of us. With you, it actually felt like love-making, not just sex. I should have realized then that I had everything I wanted. I had a life mission to defend the city that bettered me and made me into the man I am, and when I wasn't parading around as a playboy, I technically had a 'wife', 'house with a picket fence' and 'several kids' meaning you, the laboratory and the monkeys.

But I was too stubborn to admit it, even to myself. I was scared. It felt awkward being around you after we had sex. I started thinking in terms of being a homosexual instead of two people that loved one another. I started to run away from you. The talks lessened, my workload increased, and I spent more time in the city, away from you and the monkeys. Then we stopped talking to one another. I was worried about you. I thought about you constantly. And yet it took my sorry ass weeks to have the nerve to talk to you.

I went over one day, just like I used to do. I saw you more absorbed into your work as always, but when the monkeys weren't around, you had no joy in your work. There was bitterness in your work, and I didn't even have to look in your eyes to know that.

"Akihito."

"…So the lone champion of Shuggazoom decides to grace my laboratory for much needed repairs, yes?"

"Aki, look--"

"You have some gall to refer to me in such an endearing manner after you shunned me for months."

"Will you at least LOOK at me?"

"What for, you clearly haven't seen me either."

"Please…I want to talk."

"There's nothing I want to say to you."

"Yes, there is and if you give me the chance, we can get it all out in the open."

You turned to me, your eyes ablaze with hate and grief.

"Why? Why did you lead me to believe that you loved me?"

"I wasn't trying to lead you on, I swear. I got scared."

"Scared of becoming a homosexual or the fact you felt you manhood was compromised when you realized you don't fit the idiotic stereotype of what a man should be?!"

"What do you WANT me to say?! It's clear that you're not going to accept an apology from me."

"You're goddamn right I won't, at least not now. Why didn't you just tell me that you were uncomfortable with that level in our relationship? I would have taken arguing with you about this over us drifting apart!"

"Because I'm a bastard."

"You are a bastard, Clayton…but I still love you….I'm still…in love with you."

"Can't we start over?"

"…Yes, yes we can start over."

You flung yourself at me and cried on my chest. I held you. And so, we started over, talking, hanging out and starting to trust one another. So much so, that I gradually got over my fear of becoming a homosexual. We became even more than boyfriends or lovers. We became mates, bound to one another physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. And although we couldn't be with one another for more than a day, you were in my thoughts. And thought you tried to hide it with you research, I was in yours, too.

Now that I'm in my elderly years, I look at things and wonder.

I wonder about what happened to the mom-and-pop shops that flourished on Main Street. I wonder about the man-made lake that used to the Lover's Lane that was sealed up to make room for a shopping mall parking lot. I wonder how many people I know are dead, dying or disappeared.

But mostly, I wonder about you.

Everywhere I turn now in this new generation of Shuggazoom, I'm reminded of you, from those mismatched eyes, to that pointy beard, to everything that made you who you used to be. Then I start to hate myself for what I didn't do. Not just for not coming back…

I never even told you what you really meant to me. Chiro, Antauri, Gibson, Nova, Otto, Sprx—they deserved to know the whole truth about you and what we really were to each other.

And if I live through this damn war, I'll tell them everything.


End file.
